The magic underneath the iceberg of motherhood
After you were born I lost myself at sea, like an iceberg floating alone in the water with a massive blue ocean surrounding it, so vast and deep. It was beautiful on the surface but underneath, it was frightening and overwhelming!
I felt so alone!!
I could smell the heavy scent of fear and taste the saltiness of uncertainty! I found myself crying - mourning the old soul and wondering anxiously what would become of the new me.
Was I just a mother?
What does that question even mean? Saying it out loud makes me feel like a monster! How can this gift that we are given to procreate provide such a tremendous feeling of guilt and fear? Is it not enough to just be a mother?
But I wanted more!
To be seen as an individual beyond motherhood! But how is it possible, when this new tiny human being depends on every breath I take!? When some days I wonder if I will drown from all the heavy responsibilities!
Was I lost?
Will I ever be found again? Sending an S.O.S - who would rescue me? I suddenly realized that I could save myself but I would have to go deep and get underneath it all.
I held my breath and took a deep dive!
Plunging into the wonders and overwhelm of motherhood like a majestic sea lion - strong and capable of moving through any current. And that was the moment when the water became more clear and the current started shifting.
I found myself free, floating on a magical sea of discovery.
Taking my time soaking up the moments of sunshine and trying to navigate the terrible storms as best as I could - giving myself permission to drift as I please, without pressure to be strong or keep it together all the time!
Of course it takes grit, soul, courage & love!
Going deep requires hard work, dedication, self awareness, the ability to express your feelings and patience to understand them despite all the fears that may arise.
And above all, it takes a lot of love.
Love for yourself and for all those around you supporting you or challenging you through the change.
Luckily I found my tribe.
We floated together in those dark blue waters, sharing stories and experiences like all those before us!
I was no longer afraid of the big blue ocean!
It became an adventure and I found myself letting go. Allowing the current to guide me.
And during this deep journey, I found a beautiful light inside of me shining so bright it sparkled and left a prism of color wherever I went!
Yes, I was a mother...but beyond that I was a new more magical version of me!
During my Master's program in Organizational Behavior, I learned many theories for supporting and leading large scale changes in organizations. One theory, by Wilfried Kruger, is known as the Iceberg theory.
The theory basically states that change can only occur at an organizational level when there is a level of acceptance below the surface. And this is where most of the barriers to success are hidden; in our behaviors, interpersonal dynamics, power, politics, norms and culture. Often what we see on the surface is misleading to what is really going on underneath. And it is only by going deep and getting to the root, where we can have the greatest chance of success.
This theory was a major source of inspiration for this blog post on my journey through motherhood.
What has your experience been like? Did you find it difficult to navigate the sea of new motherhood? Please share your comments!